Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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