my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
