I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
