This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
