So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
