I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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