Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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