His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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