On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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