Do you still have your period?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
