I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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