I feel great
I just peed on a car
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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