Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
