if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
