I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
