Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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