i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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