I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
