I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
