if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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