So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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