Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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