oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
