Ambien. No doubt about it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
