if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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