I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
