Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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