Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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