He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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