I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
