My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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