Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
