I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
