Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
