I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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