the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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