i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
