I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
