She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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