ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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