I wish they made helmets for livers.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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