Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
