So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
