bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
