dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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