we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
