Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm too high and old for this...
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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