haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
