based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
