Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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